Can't We Sinners Help Our State?

I am a good American.  I want to help my country in its time of great need.  I am willing to do my part.  I want to be part of the solution, just like the other sinners.  I just need someone to legalize my sins!

Yes, I admit it, over the last 40 years I have used illegal drugs.  Lots of ‘em.  Now, mostly I’ve smoked marijuana and I’ve never tried any of the opiates like heroin, but I have been a non-taxed criminal for decades.  There are millions like me, waiting to come in from the cold.  Please make our suffering end!

Millions of us dopers are apparently “at war,” with our government.  We don’t want to be at war.  You’ve heard of the “war on drugs.”  My government is apparently fighting people like me, who have used illegal drugs.  We don’t want to be at war with our government anymore.  No, we want to help! 

We dopers aren’t the only ones who don’t want to be criminals anymore.  There are lots of people who hire prostitutes, and I’ll bet they don’t want to be criminals anymore, either.  We want to be good sinners.  Our country needs us!  We want to be like the gamblers and the smokers and the drinkers. 

We dopers and johns weren’t always alone.  Once upon a time, gamblers and drinkers and smokers were also vicious sinners and criminals, just like we are now.  Come to think of it, smokers still are the very symbol of the second-class citizen in society, standing outside smoking in the rain while we tut-tut, tsk-tsk and generally look down our noses at them.  But our leaders have decided that as long as smokers pay for the privilege, they can smoke legally and die.  And they do.  An average of 405,000 Americans die every year from smoking.  That’s 1,200 a day—dead—and no one minds!  Okay, we say we mind, but we let them smoke, don’t we?  That’s what the dopers want!  We want to smoke too, but without the dying….

We all know how we tried to save the drinkers and how sadly that ended.  Turned out we couldn’t legislate morality when it came to booze.  Well, we could, but people didn’t want that kind of morality.  They’d rather have their booze and their liver disease and their DUI’s.  Besides, who needed all those mob gun battles, anyway? 

We fought the good fight against gambling, too, but now we have met the enemy and it turns out it really is us.  It used to be that in Pennsylvania we were going to be the moral ones.  Remember?  When New Jersey legalized casino gambling we could have had it here, but we said no.  We didn’t want the crime, we didn’t want to lead people astray and we didn’t want “those people” coming to our towns.  There were just three little problems.  First, people were willing to travel to be led astray.  Gambling is like that.  So if your neighboring states have it, you have to consider it or lose the revenues.  Pennsylvania lost out for more than 25 years.  Second, there wasn’t any increase in crime in towns that allow gambling.  Finally, “those people” who gamble?  They turned out to be us.  The biggest single betting day at Mohegan Sun last year--was Mother’s Day. 

Now we know the ugly truth.  We’re ready to raise taxes on cigarettes and we’re ready to add Poker and Black Jack to our casinos.  Sure, it’ll mean more lives ruined, but who cares?  We need the dough.

It is in that spirit of generosity that I volunteer to redirect my money to legitimate channels.  I am happy to buy my reefer in the safety of a well-lit state store, rather than waiting in the dark for some distracted stoner who might smoke up his product or sell it to someone else by mistake.  I am happy to pay market value for a product which kills far fewer Americans than cigarettes or booze.  I am sure there are many people who like hookers who would also be happy to go to a nice, clean, sanitary place to rent sex instead of cruising public streets and dodging the long arm of the law. 

I am sure it will be quite safe.  If they legalize marijuana it’ll mean millions to our state, especially if we’re the first ones to legalize.  Someone will be first, why not us?  And no matter what, if they legalize marijuana, or cocaine, or prostitution, are you really at greater risk?  After all, gambling’s been legal here for a couple of years and it hasn’t cost me a dime….